Metanoia
by Sinncity
Summary: The plan is to avoid getting too drunk; drink just enough to chat Phil up a bit. That way, Dan can get away with it. That way, he can act like the previous night's events never happened. And that way, Dan can repeat the process, until maybe, it doesn't have to just be a process anymore. Dan Howell/ Phil Lester


**Pairing: **Dan Howell/ Phil Lester

**Warnings:** Sweating, smutt, drinking too much, vomiting and almost assault (but not really). It sounds worse than it is I promise. There is fluff too!

**Summary:** The plan is to avoid getting too drunk; drink just enough to chat Phil up a bit. Make him blush so much that there is no denying that Dan's the one causing the prominent tinge of redness on Phil's cheeks. That way, Dan can get away with it. That way, he can act like the previous night's events never happened. And that way, Dan can repeat the process, until maybe, it doesn't have to just be a process anymore.

**Notes: **This was written for yesiwritephanfiction as part of a birthday fic exchange (i'm so sorry it late!) but happy freaking birthday lovely. I hope this was worth the wait!

It's been so long since I've been able to write a one shot, do to my chapter fic still being written. So it was really nice to have the time to write something else. I hope you all enjoy C:

**:::**

Dan doesn't exactly know who hands him the drink. It could have been Chris, or PJ, maybe even Louise? Regardless of whom it was, the sweet and tangy mix that he can't quite place is definitely preferred over the taste of the bitter beer he'd tried to drown earlier. The beat of the music is loud, but he doesn't expect anything less during a college party by now. It's always noisy, usually enough to hear the music several doors down. The latest pop music always flooding though the speakers before someone attempts to changes it as the night dies down and begins to come to a close. It's not exactly like he would call himself a party animal, he's definitely not the definition of social, but he's still technically a fresher and with that comes the inevitability of attending too many parties and occasionally, drinking way too much.

Apparently, tonight is going to be one of those nights.

It's not exactly like he plans it to be this way either. But, sometimes a few drinks can make the evening go that much more smoothly. It's sort of a well renowned fact among Dan's friends that he's a flirtatious drink, and tonight he definitely has his mind on one guy in particular. He's eyes search around for the familiar mop of black hair and sparking sapphire eyes.

The plan is to avoid getting _too _drunk; drink just enough to chat Phil up a bit. Make him blush so much that there is no denying that Dan's the one causing the prominent bought of redness on Phil's cheeks. Say a few lines and get a little _too_ close to Phil's personal space. In order to do that though, there needs to be a bit of liquid courage involved, because after all they are friends, _good friends_. The kind of friends that just instantly click, and even from the very start, manages to feel like you have known them their entire life. And yeah, there is no denying that Phil Lester is attractive. It's one of the first things that Dan noticed about him.

But that's part of the whole problem; that they are just friends. Best friends in fact, the only one Dan's ever had such a close connection too. And if there is one standardised rule about relationships, it's that if they don't last, there is only a small likelihood that the original friendship won't fall apart. That's the bit that worries Dan. The thought that maybe, if it all went wrong, he'd never have Phil in his life, is enough from making sure he never admits his true feelings. It's not worth the risk.

So it always goes this way. Dan has a bit to drink, enough to definitely get a little bit tipsy but not quite enough to get drunk. That way, he can get away with flirting shamelessly, and no one thinks any wiser. No one knows how he secretly feels. How much he wants to kiss Phil and to be with him in ways that a best friend just can't.

The beat of the music draws him in as he searches for the familiar face amongst the crowd. His eyes finally land on Phil, who is sitting on one of sofas set up against the middle wall. He grins, a drunken smile already passing his lips at the sight.

Making his way through the ward of people, he plunks himself down next to the slightly older male. He does it a bit too abruptly, his weight coming down all at once in a not-so-graceful matter. But then again, grace has never been his forte. Phil looks at him, once eye brow raised and a small pressing against his cheeks as he suppresses a laugh at the sight of Dan beside him.

"Hey you," Dan greets, shuffling a little closer in the process until his right arm is pressed against Phils. "Enjoying the part-ay?"

"Not as much as you are, apparently," Phil responds, indicating towards the empty drink in Dan's hand. And yeah, maybe Dan has had a little more than he usually would by this point. He isn't exactly sure how much he has had to drink tonight, especially after the amount of drinks that seemed to continuously randomly appear into his hand. "Got into the punch? I think it's Chris' concoction. I'm weary; you know what his drinks are like. Two or three is probably enough to tranquilise a bear."

That explains the sweetness of the drink he hadn't been able to place, and why he's head has suddenly become a lot foggier. Dan laughs, a little too hearty for something that wasn't supposed to be that funny. He is certain however, that the face Phil pulls at him is definitely adorable. The way his tongue pokes out slightly to the side. In fact, his pretty sure that the alcohol is making Phil looks immensely more attractive than usual. Strongly fighting the urge to lean in and kiss him, Dan replies. "Mmm, well that explains it then."

"Explains what?"

Dan leans in close, his breath wisping against the shell of Phil's ear as he lets out a breath. He smirks; slightly lob sided, dimples showing. Phil's eyes follow his every move, as Dan opens his mouth to speak. "Why you look more attractive than usual."

Phil freezes slightly, and even in Dan's slightly too drunk state he can tell that maybe it was a bit too much. He's usually not _this _forward. Although, there has been the really odd occasion, the one that Dan always manages to remember the next day, which leads him to avoid Phil for an undisclosed amount of time.

Suddenly, Chris arrives, drinks in hand. Dan vaguely wonders how he is managing it; after all, by the looks of it, Chris has had a few himself. "Keep it in your pants, Howell."

He shoves both drinks in front of them, forcing a cup into both their hands, and sufficiently managing to replace Dan's empty one. Dan pulls back a bit, providing Phil with a bit more space. They are still sitting close together however, the warmth of Phil's body radiating into the side of his own.

"Actually maybe don't bother. Seriously though, I should get some tonight," Chris pips up, his voice slurring a little as he speaks. He looks around the room, attempting to wiggle his eyebrows but it somehow managing to fail to the point where he just manages to look confused. "You should too."

He looks specifically at Dan as he says it, voice mildly suggestive.

"That guy over there has been checking you out. God knows _why _when I'm around_._ But he has."

Chris says, pointing not so discreetly to a man standing by the bar. He has black hair and dark green eyes, as he glances towards the group of them for a moment. He chucks Dan a smile before turning about a round to continue whatever conversation he was previously having with the guy beside him.

Beside him, Phil shifts a bit, drinking some of the liquor Chris had previously handed him. The words however go straight to Dan's head. The truth is, it' not uncommon for Dan to hook up with a few random people from time to time. After all, it doesn't mean anything, and a little bit of consensual kissing and slight touching never hurt anybody. Dan doesn't go all the way, no, that would be stupid, and even in his semi-hazy state he somehow always manages to remember that. If anything it's more to show off, make Phil look at what he is missing out on.

"Yeah?" Dan asks, before sculling a good portion of his drink. He takes another glance at the other male, this time managing to catch his eyes. Light green lock onto his for a moment, and then the other guy flashes him a small smile. Dan takes this as a good sign, giving the guy a good once over.

"That's what I'm talking about," Chris agrees, getting a little too hasty in his excitement and spilling some of the contents of his drink all over his hand. It's rather unclear as to if the sudden outburst is due to Dan's downing of the drink, or that both males seemed to be checking each other out from opposite sides of the room. It's probably a combination of both.

"Where is PJ?" Phil asks, slightly derailing the conversation.

"I saw him with Sophie earlier," Chris murmurs, Sophie sounds more like Stoph-ai as his words come out a bit too jumbled. "I swear everyone is going to get some tonight except for me."

Phil shakes his head, smiling slightly at his friend who is leaning a little more to the left than usual. That is, until the next set of words spill from Chris' rather intoxicated mouth.

"So, wanna have sex?" Chris randomly questions, and both Dan and Phil manage to make a weird spluttered noise.

"No?" Phil says, and Chris pouts.

"Worth a shot. I asked Peej too, apparently friends with benefits isn't a thing anymore."

Phil looks rather uncomfortable, and it isn't until Chris cracks up laughing, in a rather loud and obnoxious way that he realises Chris is actually joking. Phil's shoulders slump, relaxing a little bit as he shakes his head. It takes more than a moment for Dan, however to realise. He glares at Chris, rather pointedly, until the information somehow not managing to completely click. Chris slaps Dan's thigh. "I'm joking, you idiot. Don't have no death wish."

Half the words are high pitched as Chris fails to control his laughter. It occasionally coming out in a bunch of breathes wheezes. Even though both Chris and PJ know that Dan harbours higher feelings for Phil then just friends, Chris can't help but tease in his own personal way, especially when he has had a few drinks too many. Sometimes he's been so blunt, Dan wonders how on earth Phil hasn't noticed.

"Oh," Dan mumbles, he goes to open his mouth to continue more, but his trail of thought is lost as the guy from a across the room, is, well, no longer across the room. He is standing off to the side, situated close to Dan but still standing. His leg rests against the seat as he smiles downwards.

"I'm Jacob," He introduces. His accent is northern but not too think.

Dan, still somehow able to understand the social cue replies back. "Dan."

"And I'm leaving," Chris announces before turning and heading back towards the drink bar.

Jacob doesn't spare Chris glance. He continues to look down at Dan, giving him what is, in Dan's totally not sober opinion, extremely attractive.

He feels Phil shift again, a little more to the side. He brain only just manages to register it. Instead, he picks up his drink and finishes it off.

"Mind if I sit?" Jacob asks, and of course Dan doesn't. His brain jumps ahead, the fact that that guy looks vaguely familiar to the man he can't have. Because yes, Dan does have a type that he links to get with, and unsurprisingly, they tend to look a lot like Phil.

"Mind if we make out?" Dan asks, and yeah, maybe he is usually not this forward, but his brain isn't exactly thinking straight at this point. And there is a part of him that somehow thinks that a substitute for Phil is more than just a good thing.

"I'm going to the bathroom," Phil announces, pulling himself up off the couch and swiftly exiting the room. Dan only glances over for a second before he feels the familiar sensation of someone else's lips against his own. He looks back, getting a quick look of Jacob before he closes his eyes. It's a little sloppy, and to be honest, that is mostly Dans fault. A strong taste of alcohol enters Dan's tongue, and he isn't completely aware if it is because of him or Jacob.

He feels Jacobs's fingers move, one winding its way around Dan's waist as they continue. It feels a little hot, like the action alone is burning up is skin. Dan leans forward, wrapping a hand into the front of Jacob's shirt as they break away for a moment of air before they both dive back in. Tongue and a little bit of teeth messily clashing together.

Suddenly he feels it, the prickling heat on his skin sinking on. A looming feeling washes over Dan, his stomach churning as he pulls away hastily. Jacob looks confused, his eyes scrunching together as he looks at Dan, unsure as to what just happened.

It takes only a second for the acid to rise from Dan's stomach and he can't help it as the night's overdose of alcohol and cheap party snacks make their way back up.

He bends forward a bit, the jolt in his body natural as everything exits his system.

He is a bit dazed for a moment, but it takes a few moments for him to realise as an angry "what the _fuck_," echoes around the room.

Dan pulls back, his eyes focusing on the figure in front of him, covered in a layer of vomit.

Jacob stands up quickly, his face turning a mix between white and red, which until this very moment, Dan didn't think was even possible. "Are you fucking _kidding me?"_

A few of the guests look over at the commotion, standing by with shocked looks and horrified expressions. Another wave on nausea knocks over Dan, and it takes everything in him to stop himself from throwing up yet again. He fails, however. This time it lands on both a carpet and Jacobs shoes.

Jacob looks mortified for a second, a few gasps making their way around.

Suddenly, Jacob clenches his fists, his left arm rising and Dan cowers at the realisation of what is about to happen. He closes his eyes, bracing for impact.

"Wait!" A familiar voice pleas. It takes a few seconds for Dan to realise who it is before Phil steps into view, quickly standing in between the two men. He's voice is strong, almost daring as he continues. "Don't. He's drunk, he didn't realise."

The Adams apple in Jacob's throat rises as he swallows. He takes a quick glance around the room and notices at all eyes are on him. Looking at Phil, he glares profoundly between the both of them before taking a step back. Quickly realising that a physical attack might not be the wisest move.

"Fucking asshole," he mutters, before turning around taking a few more steps until he is completely out of sight.

Phil lets out a deep breath. Finally able to turn around and look at Dan, whose hair is stuck to his forehead in a small layer of sweat. He looks awfully pale, and almost like he could chuck again at any moment.

Groaning, Dan places a hand on his stomach.

"Phil?" He mumbles, the previous intense moment completely forgotten by the pain going on in his abdomen.

"Let's go home," Phil suggests before hauling Dan up from the couch, a little cautious to avoid additional pain, and wrapping an arm around the other male's hips to steady him.

**:::**

Dan wakes up with a loud groan, his head pounding as he begins to gain consciousness. Opening his eyes slowly, Dan attempts to blink out the sunlight that radiates around the room.

He lets out at deep breath, adjusting his vision as he finally opens his eyes fully. He places a hand on his head, letting out a rather un-amused noise as he manages to pull himself into a sitting position.

Finally gaining focus Dan looks around, his expression turning into a frown as he notices that he is definitely not in his own room; it Phil's. The room is in neat order as per usual, little items around the area giving it a quirky sense of humour that can only be described as his best friend. There is however, a small glass of water next to the bed, with a pack of pills. And in that moment, Dan has never been so grateful for Phil in his entire life. He opens the packet, shoving them into his mouth and drowning the water in a hope that they will work quickly and relieve him of the stabbing pain going on in his brain.

Signing, He glances down, only now just noticing the lack of clothing on his body. He's in nothing but his boxer shorts, which is usually what he sleeps in. But he always makes a point to put PJ bottoms on when he and Phil stay the night at each other's house. Confusion laces over him for a moment, he doesn't exactly remember what happened. He struggles for a moment, trying to recall what happened the previous night.

Then it hits him, almost like a crashing wave.

Dan feels a sense of dread. The incident with Jacob suddenly crystal clear, the fact that he had thrown up everywhere and the way the other male had reacted; with such intensity and viciousness that he had been scared, even in his drunk state. He remember Phil's, coming back at just the right time and stopping what could have ended in tears, Dan's own tears to be exact.

He cringes. His stupid habits have finally led to trouble. Hooking up with random strangers because he was too ashamed to admit how he really felt. And now what? How would Phil feel after have to save Dan's ass in such a state last night.

The thought of facing Phil after such an event is almost sickening. Dan wishes he could stay in bed all day and just fall back asleep. He doubts it though, between the pounding in his head and the shame he feels is enough to stop that at just thought.

Grimacing, the brunette pulls himself up out of bed, deciding that a shower is the best line of action. Not only to avoid the looming situation, but because he is pretty sure that he smells of something rank. A mix between vomit and sweat it not appeasing to anyone.

He notices a neat pile of cloths on the check of draws by the end of Phil's bed, and Dan can't help but smile a bit. After everything, his best friend is so caring. He owes Phil more than just an apology.

He wonders to the bathroom, down the small hall and to the left. It's not long until he is in the shower, the water washing off every piece of unwanted grime and somehow managing to provide a bit of relief to his headache. He ponders around, letting the water wash over him for longer than necessary. He doesn't get out until the water turns cold.

**:::**

There are a million thoughts running though his head as he waits, the door between the lounge room closed and the only real distance between him and Phil. He feels so torn. He wants to run in and apologise, say sorry for being so stupid and for putting Phil in a situation where he might have ended up getting hurt. He wants to explain that the hook up are meaningless, how everything is meaningless because Phil's the one he really wants.

But he is so scared. Scared of rejection he might face, like he has been for the past few years; stuck in a constant state of limbo.

A small voice in his head tells him to snap out of it. To go in and just _talk._

So he does.

Opening the door, Dan hastily lets himself in and closing the door behind him. The volume of the TV instantly mutes, Phil turning around and looking at him with a small smile that is mostly sympathetic.

"Hey," Phil greets. "How are you feeling?"

"Alright, thanks," Dan responds, and it is true, for the most part. His head ache has mostly passed, the Panadol finally managing to kick in. He heart however, is beating at a million miles an hour, because he is so nervous. Unsure of what is about to happen.

Phil goes to speak, but Dan can't stand the wait, cutting him off before he even spill the first syllable.

"I'm really fucking sorry."

Slightly taken aback, Phil recovers quickly, responding in a way that only Dan's best friend would. "It's okay, you don't have to apologise."

"But I do," Dan mumbles, his nerve failing momentarily. "You practically saved my life."

Phil laughs a bit, "that's a bit of an over exaggeration, don't you think?"

Dan shakes his head, resolve coming back just as quickly as it had been lost. "No, not at all. You have. For years, you've always been by my side. Supporting me and helping me when I screw up. And god do I screw up majorly sometimes."

"Everyone screws up, you don't have too-"

"But I do!" Dan exclaims with a force that neither of them was expecting. "I always go and hook up with random people, and it's so meaningless. And I do it around you, because I'm stupid and insecure and completely unable to admit the truth. And I'm so ashamed of myself for doing that. For flirting with you and hooking up with someone else and then pretending that nothing ever happened. It's like a loop, and I'm so fucking sorry."

"Dan," Phil says, but he doesn't get to finish because Dan cuts him off.

"I love you."

Silence fills and room and it's almost deafening.

Dan heart pumps loudly in his chest, his breath picking up at the realisation of what he has finally admitted.

"You what…" Phil says, in a stunned pitch of voice Dan doesn't think he's ever heart before.

Dan gulps, taking in a deep breath before he talks. "I love you, and I have, for such a long time."

Phil stands up, walking until he is just a foots lengths away from Dan.

"That's really, horribly corny," Phil responds and for a moment, Dan's heart sinks. He chokes, an apology sitting on the tip of his tongue. He doesn't get to say it, because the next words that fall from Phil's mouth manage to make his heart beat in an entirely different way. "Because I love you too and I have, pretty much forever."

Dan doesn't have a moment to recover, the sudden feeling of Phil's lips pressing against his own being the only thing he can think about. It only takes a moment before Dan melts into the kiss, his hands wrapping around Phil's hip as he pulls him closer. Phil responds equally, one hands crunching up in the back of Dan's tee shirt and another resting on the back of is his neck.

They only break apart for a second, enough to just catch a few breaths before it's all lips and tongue again. Dan relishes in the feel. That Phil is pressed against him like this, a dream that he had wanted for so long finally coming true. He feels Phil's hands move, one locking into the back of his hair, scrunching up and tugging.

He wants more. He wants to feel Phil like he had always wanted for so long. His hands move from Phil's waist, trailing up his sides and towards his chest. Dan takes his time, loosing himself in the kiss and feel of Phil's body underneath his hands. Phil suddenly breaks away, interrupting the kiss and leaning down. Heavy breath his Dan's neck before it's suddenly replaced by a set of lips.

Dan can't help himself as he lets loose a small groan at the feeling of Phil's lips sucking on his flesh. Tongue swirling against his exposed neck and nipping just hard enough to leave a mark. His hands slip down, touching the top of Phil's jeans before they slide up, moving under his top and against his flesh. He traces every inch, running his hands from Phil's front and up his back; trying to memory every bit of surface that he can get his hand on.

Sucking just below Dan's collar Phil pulls back, glancing up at Dan's face for just a moment. He smiles, something mixed between sweet and full of desire. His eyes shine bright, locking onto Dan's and he can't believe they waited so long for this. Toy around with each other and dancing around in circles when they could have been doing _this._

Dan's hands slide back round the front, taking up Phil's T-shit with the movement and sliding it over his head. Phil replicates the process, taking his top off Dan and chucking it to the ground just as swiftly.

Dan pushes their chests together, feeling skin on skins and their mouths mould back together with a renewed sense of haste; hands touching each other's flesh with a sense of gentleness and passion. Unable to contain himself, Dan pushes his crotch forward grinding against Phil's. A set of loud moans fill the air, and it clear the Phil wants this as much as Dan. And _oh god does he want this._

His mind reels as Phil reaches for the waist band of Dan's pants. Sliding across the skin before undoing the button closely followed by the zip. It only takes a moment before Phil is breaking the kiss and pulling them down, jeans pooling around Dan's ankles. Phil slides a hand under the waistband of his boxes, running in circles before he reaches down, hand wrapping against Dan's erection.

"Fuck," Dan groans, his head flying back at the contact. He lets out another groan as Phil begins to jerk in a steady motion, smearing Dan's become and he continues to stroke him. Pulling him a bit closer, Phil places his out hand has he makes them step back. Dan's back softly collides with the wall, using it as leverage as his hips begin to rock in the pleasure.

His breath is caught in his throat, breath heavy and he feels close.

"Phil," he mumbles breathlessly.

Getting the hint, Phil slows down; his hand running teasingly over Dan's thigh and back up towards his hip. It only takes Dan a few moments to clear his head, hands instantly reaching towards Phil's jeans and unbuttoning them quickly. It only takes a moment before all clothing materials are on the floor, and hips are trusting against each other roughly.

Dan's head lolls back, hitting the wall with a slight bump at the feel. His hands wind around Phil's shoulders, locking into the flesh harshly. His mouth forms an O, silent words coming out with each breath. Phil goes back to his former position, mouth pressing against Dan's collar as he attempts to greater a larger hicky then before.

Hips move rhythmically together, Dan unable to concentrate on anything else but the feel of Phil against him. He feels close, their rhythm becoming more sloppy and harsh as the coil in his stomach tightens. Phil's hand brushes against his cock and that's all he needs. He comes with a loud moan, Phil's name hidden on his lips as he looses it.

Phil bucks his hips, working Dan though his orgasm as he creates more fiction. Dan's mind is foggy, hyper aware as his body recovers. Phil continues for a moment longer, speed picking up and groans falling past his lips as his breath warms Dan's skin.

It doesn't take long until his breath hitches, Dan's name falling from his lips as Phil reaches his own orgasm.

His hips continue to give little thrusts, winding down as his head drops on Dans neck, planting little kisses.

Dan lets out a deep breath as Phil pulls back, whose orbs are the brightest blue that Dan thinks he has ever seen.

**:::**

The next party they show up to is hand in hand. Chris almost chokes when he sees it, before giving Dan the biggest slap on the back in sheer happiness, adding an "about fucking time" for good measure.

Dan smiles, walking over to the drinks table, pouring himself a beverage and relishing the fact that now he can do so much more than just flirt with Phil.


End file.
